The Avengers Infinity War of Major League Baseball
Unless you’ve been living under a rock the last few months—and this would have to be huge rock without the slightest amount of light coming through and not even the faintest wifi signal—you undoubtedly know about the imminent arrival of the latest film derived from the Marvel Universe, Avengers: Infinity War.
It looks to be the most epic crossover event in entertainment history with heroes from other films joining the Avengers to help save the day. They called it Infinity War, and there seems to be an infinity of characters.
If you’re a baseball fan and living under a slightly smaller rock, you might have missed a significant shift in Major League Baseball. More than ever, teams have separated themselves out into playoff contenders and long-term rebuilders with very little occupying the gray area in between.
We saw it affect free agency, where less teams were interested in paying for players that could help them in the short-term because there were no plans to win in the short-term. Guys like Mike Moustakas, Jonathan Lucroy and Todd Frazier all got contracts with less average annual value and fewer years than experts predicted. Even slugging monster J.D. Martinez wound up getting less per year than anticipated because there was really only one team that needed him.
So, now we have a league of dynamic, compete teams with very few flaws and then a bunch of other teams that are in various states of future-building. Some people think this is a lesser version of the league, but then this does have a similarity to superhero films where this distinction is what makes them great.
Also, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but superhero films are basically money in the bank for studios these days. And everyone involved in baseball loves money in the bank more than they love some vague appearance of parity.
That being said, possibly the best way to describe the differences between the teams in the higher echelon in baseball this year was to write a long-winded piece correlating the top teams to the heroes of Avengers: Infinity War.
All the characters from the Marvel Universe will be in this film. The Guardians of the Galaxy, Dr. Strange and Ant Man. Even some of the lesser known heroes will be there, like The Refrigerator who can always stay cool and shoots crushed ice and unfiltered rusty water at his enemies and Captain Canada who can spew forth a barrage of super-apologies, eh. There’s also The Sportswriter who is so full of hot air that none will escape when he unleashes his ill-fated diatribes.
You know, 10 years ago, no one would write this article, but in the post-Revenge of the Nerds America, almost everyone has come to realize we all have a little nerd in us. By the time you’re done reading this article, you may wish societal norms still existed to prevent me from writing it.
Let’s take a look at the top tier of Major League Baseball and see what superhero is the best match.
Iron Man—Dodgers
There is no team in baseball that has spent more money to get where they are than the Dodgers. And there is no superhero around who has the financial resources of the man inside Iron Man: Tony Stark. The Dodgers look more like the Iron Man at the end of the second act when it looks like he’s not going to have quite enough to save the day. But guess what? He’s gonna save the day, and he’s going to the playoffs.
Thor—Red Sox
After a start of 17-2, yeah, I think it’s okay to compare this year’s Boston team to Marvel’s best-looking, invincible demigod. And we’re talking peak Thor: Ragnorak here—none of that Thor: The Dark World garbled mess. The Red Sox equivalent of Thor’s hammer is Mookie Betts, who is currently crushing home runs and flying around the outfield. As a note, Thor is Scandinavian which makes him a perfect match for Boston, which isn’t exactly known for its cultural diversity.
Dr. Strange—Nationals
Among the top teams in baseball this season, no team has had more bad luck with injuries to key players than the Nationals. They’re still finding ways to win but it’s been a struggle—just as Dr. Strange had to overcome his severely damaged hands to become a superhero. The Nationals are not a deep team, and you’ll recall that Dr. Strange was quite shallow when he started his journey. In the end, he was able to overcome insurmountable odds to save the day with his top sidekick Baron Mordo – who, like Bryce Harper will, wound up leaving for free agency at the end of the film.
Captain America—Astros
Everybody loves the Astros. Though it might be better to say that nobody hates them. They won the World Series last year and helped salvage a community that had been wrecked by Hurricane Harvey. Sounds like a superhero to me. The Astros have a high-powered offense and strong pitching, when, just a few years ago, they were easily the weakest team in baseball. This is basically the exact origin story of Captain America.
The Hulk—Yankees
The Yankees have the most power of any team in the league. However, with all of those big swings, they do strike out a lot—just as Dr. David Banner strikes out at finding a cure for the mess he’s made of himself. The current version of The Hulk we see is somewhat invincible, and the Yankees are definitely not that. The Hulk may be terrifying when he’s coming at you, but his pitching staff isn’t very impressive.
Spider-Man—Cubs
Like the Spider-Man film franchise, the Cubs underwent a very successful reboot a few years back. They swung all the way to their first World Series championship in over a hundred years. And then everyone kind of forgot about them. This was one of the best teams in history just two years ago and almost all of those players are still here. They’re scuffling a little right now, but my Spidey senses tell me they’ll be right there at the end of the season.
Black Panther—Indians
I couldn’t help but pair these two for the multiple ironies. Black Panther is one of the most successful superhero films of all time, but the Indians haven’t won a World Series in 60 years.lack The film’s success made a strong statement on behalf of inclusion and diversity, while the Indians are called “The Indians” and have been using a caricature of a Native American as its logo. However, Black Panther was an awesome superhero with an all-around skill set, and the Indians have all the weapons they could possibly need to make another run at the World Series. But the real similarity is that Black Panther comes from Wakanda, a place whose existence is cloaked by the power of vibranium, and Cleveland is a place that people wish was cloaked.
Black Widow—Diamondbacks
There is no more sexier a character in film these days than Black Widow. She is a very competent fighter. Sure. Great. But we’re talking about superheroes here, and her superpower is that she knows karate. Maybe whoever came up with this character thought this was a big deal for a woman. Anyway, the Diamondbacks get to hang out with the real superheroes, but, at the end of the season, they’re going to be found wanting.
Star Lord—Angels
Star Lord is kind of like Iron Man-light. A perfect description of the Los Angeles Angels of Not Actually Los Angeles. In any other film, Star Lord is going to be the main man. In any other season, the Angels would be elite. They’re still really good. They have the best player in baseball in Mike Trout and the most interesting new player in the league with Shohei Ohtani—superheroes in their own right. However, like Star Lord being half-human, the Angels come up a little short compared to other teams.
Hawkeye—Mets
Hawkeye does one thing very, very well. He shoots arrows very accurately. One could say that he throws strikes with his arrows. That’s the one thing the Mets really have going for them: pitching. The hitting is suspect and will be a roller-coaster ride all season. But the pitching has been dominant and will continue to be so. Sometimes I feel like Hawkeye is just in these films to make it not look so obvious that Black Widow has no particular value. And the Mets are only in this discussion because each league gets two wild card teams.
If your favorite team didn’t make the list, don’t feel too bad. There are still plenty of job openings for your team at the Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. Not everyone can be a superhero. That’s what makes them super.
There are still a lot of games to be played this season, and some new superhero may emerge. I mean, a few years ago, had anyone ever heard of Star Lord? For now these are the dominant teams who are the best in the league and will make the playoffs.
You might disagree, but I don’t want to start an Infinity War over it.
